We went to the orphanage today

Well, we made it out alive....we went to the orphanage today.  It was truly wonderful to get to see where our daughter has spent her entire life for the last two years.  But.......it was also heartbreaking.  It is a 7 story building and there were over 600 kids in the orphanage, many of which are special needs.  The sleeping quarters were relatively clean and well kept.  There were two children to a crib and it was nap time when we arrive, at least that is what we were told.  Each of the rooms were completely silent, even though there were around 30-40 kids per room and many were laying there awake.  Not a peep.  Oh, and to my Valentia St. crew, I bought a bunch of formula for the orphanage, and they threw in a big plastic blow up bouncy cow for the kids.  Everyone in the market kept calling us "rich" and taking pictures of us as we bought the formula because most families cannot afford to buy that much formula at once.  It's actually really expensive as it was $35 per large tin.  Thank you guys!
Anyway, when we walked in we had asked that Katie not see anyone that she would recognize and we were told that she could stay with one of us in a meeting room.  We also said that no one was allowed to hold her.  Two seconds later her nanny came running down the hallway and scooped Katie out of Patricks arms and was gone in a flash.  We later found us in her "room" with the other 30 kids crying hysterically.  We got to take pictures of her little best friends and they gave us several pictures of her with them.  They also let me search out a bunch of children that I knew their waiting adoptive families (through a Yahoo group) and allowed me to film them.  It was priceless. 
I was heartbroken being in this orphanage because it felt like such a dead end.  A deadly dead end.  The end of their spirit and their futures.  There were brand new babies, only a day or two old, some with cleft lip/palate, some with downs and some that appeared healthy all bundled 3-4 to a crib for the newborns. 

There were others that clearly had sores on their bodies, but most looked fairly well cared for.  There was one little boy that I will forever see in my dreams at night.  He was probably 4 years old and had club feet.  He was beautiful.  He was sitting on the potty pot and he let me sit next to him and stroke his face and hold his hand.  He smiled so big at me and was so happy.  I fell in love all over again but it was horrible leaving him.  I am sobbing writing about him.  Because he is a boy and he is older and because of his disability they will probably never complete his paperwork for adoption.  It KILLS me.  So if anyone is open to a little bit older boy with what appears to be a completely manageable special need, I will totally advocate for you.  I am going to see if there is anything that can be done to get his paperwork done as once someone sees his sweet face, (he is in one of my posts) they would fall in love too. 

Anyway, it was a very tough day for Katie as she cried alot and nothing went as planned.  Then our hired driver dropped us off miles from the hotel and we walked for ages trying to find out way back.

On a good note, Katie will let me feed her today.  She will also make eye contact with me for brief moments.  Sometimes I catch her watching me out of the corner of her eye.  But she is absolutely terrified if Patrick steps out of her site for even a moment.  He had to go to the bathroom at a rest stop and he left her with me in the van and she freaked.  She was shaking uncontrollably and scared to death without him.  It's a real heart crusher to know that I cannot comfort her in the slightest right now.  A mothers instinct is to protect her children and I am incapable of doing this for her.  But I know it will get better.  Enjoy the pictures and may they not haunt your dreams as they will mine.